It’s time to put intimacy in sex.

One of the biggest topics during couples counseling is around sex.  The issues range from not having enough sex, mismatched sexual drive, inability to try new things and complacency, to name a few.  It’s become more and more common to have women finding a voice when it comes to their sexual needs, it’s not just men complaining about not having enough sex.

We live in a day and age where people want more out of their relationships.  People want to connect in a meaningful way and sex is one of the biggest ways couples connect.  When the sexual relationship is off, the whole relationship can be pushed off kilter.  When the relationship is not functioning well, that’s usually when people end up in a marriage counselor’s office.

If you’re looking to improve your sex life and put the spice back into it, there are things you can do in order to have the sex life of your dreams.

1. Go Outside of Your Comfort Zone

Missionary isn’t the only position available and tidy whities aren’t the only underwear out there.  You are going to need to explore your limits.  Try introducing lingerie, toys, food or role-play.  It’s important that you do things that feel safe to you but also push you to explore.  If you’ve been married a long time, think about what made the beginning part of your marriage exciting.  Was it having sex first thing in the morning or trying new sexual positions?  Pick up the Kama Sutra and try their suggestions out.

2. Ask Your Partner Their Needs

Sometimes people are so focused on their needs that they forget to ask their partner what they would like.  Your partner might have some ideas and clues about how to spice up your sex life.  They might really want to go away for the weekend and rediscover the passion.  They might want to watch “Fifty Shades of Grey” with you over the weekend.  Having open communication with your partner about their sexual desires and wishes is a pivotal part of a relationship.  The more open you can be with each other, the better chance you have a being able to meet your partner’s needs.  If your spouse loves black lingerie, pick some up for this weekend.

What does your partner need when it comes to your sexual relationship?

3. Learn to be Spontaneous

Isn’t that what made sex fun when you were younger?  You didn’t really know when it was coming or how it was going to happen but the build up to it made it even more exciting?  Sex wasn’t on a calendar and it sure didn’t follow a once a week, once a month or once a year schedule.  Suggest taking a shower with your partner and see where it takes you.  Dress up on a Friday night, go out for drinks and let your guard down with your spouse.  Being spontaneous means surprising your wife with flowers or making your husband his favorite meal.  The more spontaneity you have in your relationship, the more it will transfer to the sexual part.

Having good sex isn’t a privilege; it’s almost a necessity in a relationship when two people want that.  There are some relationships and marriages that don’t involve sex and if both people are happy and content with that, then that’s great.  But if you want more out of your sexual relationship with your spouse and you’re not getting it, you will need to work it out with your partner and possibly with the help of a marriage counselor in order to resolve any underlying issues that might be getting in the way of putting the “XXX” back into your sex life.

Amanda Patterson, LMHC, CAP , Mental Health Counselor of the Year by the Florida Mental Health Counseling Association,  decided to become a therapist while attending Nova Southeastern University. She saw the need to help people achieve the life they wanted to live, while creating a life of her own. She completed her master’s in Mental Health Counseling and started a career in the juvenile justice arena. Amanda has been a therapist for ten years and has a private practice in Wellington, Florida, specializing in depression, anxiety, relationship issues, and substance abuse in teenagers and young adults. Amanda is a believer in holistic treatment and she practices veganism, meditation and yoga in her life. Find out more about her practice here.

To schedule an appointment, call or text Amanda at 954-378-5381 or email her at amanda@amandapattersonlmhc.com.