A little girl’s dream is to be loved fully and completely by her hero, her father. Little girls don’t always understand that their father may not be able or willing to love them unconditionally. A lot of times this is due to their own issues, such as addiction, unresolved issues with the mother, workaholism, trauma, etc. When little girls grow up to become adults, a wound is left when they didn’t get the love they wanted or deserved as a child. This wound becomes the title “having daddy issues”. Having daddy issues comes in many shapes and sizes but often looks like women who either seek the approval of men or women who learn to distrust men.
If your father wasn’t there for you like you wanted and now you are feeling to effects as a grown women, there are steps you can take in order to heal from it.
1. Talk about your relationship with your father and men
Talking out your feelings and experiences can be extremely therapeutic. You can do this with a trusted friend or family member. You can use a journal to express your feelings. Working with a therapist can provide you with an avenue for exploring your feelings about your father.
2. Write your father a letter telling him how you felt
Write a letter to your father but do not send it to him. Write down all of your pains and hurts. Write down how it has impacted you in your life. Write down what you wanted different and what you plan to do different with your children. Once you have written the letter, you can keep it or you can release it by ripping it up or burning it, as a means of letting it go.
3. Work on forgiveness with your father
The next step is to forgive your father. This does not mean that you accept his behavior and allow it to continue to happen (if you still have a relationship with him). It means that you forgive him because you are ready to let it go and move forward.
4. Find healthy examples of what unconditional love from a man looks like
Since you didn’t get a clear message of what a healthy manner looks like, it will be important to that find one now. This can be a mentor in your industry, a family member you haven’t been close with or a boss at work. This will help to begin to change your experience of men. If you start to have available men in your life, you will begin to change your belief system that men are not available and then men will become available to you.
5. Begin to make healthier choices around your decisions
Once you do work around changing your belief system around men, you can begin to make new decisions in your life. You will begin to pick healthier men to date. You will begin to set boundaries with the men already in your life. You will begin to say no when asked to do something you don’t want to do. Your life will shift as your experience changes.
Often the first step is to admit that your childhood has an impact on your present behavior. Once you are able to do that, you can begin healing from it. If you need additional support, working with a therapist can provide you with another layer of support.
Amanda Patterson, LMHC, CAP , Mental Health Counselor of the Year by the Florida Mental Health Counseling Association, decided to become a therapist while attending Nova Southeastern University. She saw the need to help people achieve the life they wanted to live, while creating a life of her own. She completed her master’s in Mental Health Counseling and started a career in the juvenile justice arena. Amanda has been a therapist for ten years and has a private practice in Wellington, Florida, specializing in depression, anxiety, relationship issues, and substance abuse in teenagers and young adults. Amanda is a believer in holistic treatment and she practices veganism, meditation and yoga in her life. Find out more about her practice here.
To schedule an appointment, call or text Amanda at 954-378-5381 or email her at amanda@amandapattersonlmhc.
