Every week, from my friends, clients and family members I hear another common complaint. People share about how much they give to other people. They give too much to their work. Their bosses ask them to work overtime or on a special project and they don’t say no. Therapists move their schedules around to fit in that one client, same goes for hair dressers and people in service industries. Girlfriends end up buying their boyfriends luxurious gifts for anniversaries. Moms end up on snack duty more weeks than they bargained for.
When people give and give and give, it can leave them feeling empty and taken advantage of. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed in how much you give to other people, there are ways you can stop doing that. Here are my top five strategies to stop giving so much and start saying no.
1. If you don’t stop giving, they won’t stop taking
One important lesson to learn is that people is generally take what you are willing to give. Now, I understand that with work you have a certain standard you have to give; however, there are your personal limits you’ve got to listen to. If you want people to stop taking advantage of what you have to offer, then pull back your level of giving. Let people know you are going to be changing your priorities and that taking care of yourself and being responsible for what happens in your life is your new priority.
2. Work out what your boundaries are
You are going to need to identify what your boundaries are. If you are willing to work 50 hours a week, let your boss know and stick to it. Having boundaries is an important tool in your relationships, both personal and professional. Identity them early and reevaluate as needed so you can feel comfortable with your limits.
3. Learn to say no
I want you to walk over to a mirror right now and say “no” nice and loud. How did that feel? Give yourself permission to say no. Saying no is just as important as saying yes. Practice with a friend or a therapist saying no. Next, practice it next time someone asks you to do something you don’t want to do. It might feel weird but you’re on your way to taking care of you.
4. Take care of yourself
When someone asks you to do something or you are faced with over-giving, check in with yourself on what you really want. It’s good to have a process for checking in with yourself. Journaling and meditating are good for checking in.
5. Create space before you say yes
You don’t have to answer right away. You can tell people you will let them know tomorrow. Give yourself that time and space to come up with an answer that works for you. During this time, you can also check-in with your support system to get some guidance.
Letting go of codependent behaviors can seem scary. What if people don’t like me? What if my boss fires me? What if I don’t get that promotion? When you really take care of yourself, set your boundaries and live an authentic life, things have a funny way of just falling together.
Amanda Patterson, LMHC, CAP , Mental Health Counselor of the Year by the Florida Mental Health Counseling Association, decided to become a therapist while attending Nova Southeastern University. She saw the need to help people achieve the life they wanted to live, while creating a life of her own. She completed her master’s in Mental Health Counseling and started a career in the juvenile justice arena. Amanda has been a therapist for ten years and has a private practice in Wellington, Florida, specializing in depression, anxiety, relationship issues, and substance abuse in teenagers and young adults. Amanda is a believer in holistic treatment and she practices veganism, meditation and yoga in her life. Find out more about her practice here.
To schedule an appointment, call or text Amanda at 954-378-5381 or email her at amanda@amandapattersonlmhc.
